(Photo: Henry McGee/Globe Photos)

Following last week’s announcement that Donald Trump and wife Melania Knauss are expecting, New York has discovered these exclusive excerpts from the Donald’s forthcoming best seller Trumphood: A Guide to the Toughest Business of All, Except for Real Estate—Parenting. It’s gonna be huge. Huge.

From Chapter 2: What is a Baby?
Everything about your baby will delight you. You will think it is the most beautiful baby in the world. And, as long as its mother is a supermodel who has been on the cover of British GQ like my baby’s mother, you will be right. She was also in Vogue. And trust me, she is not even the hottest model I’ve banged. I’ve had Cosmo girls, Elle girls, you name it. What I am trying to say is, babies are wonderful.

From Chapter 3: Naming Your Baby
A handy time-saver is to just add a letter to one of the parents’ names, as Ivana and I did when naming our daughter Ivanka. Is your name Karen? Name your child Karmen. Gary becomes Garby, Daniel becomes Danpiel, Roger Rogerw, Cindy Ciindy, etc. You can use the time you save to purchase a hotel, or declare bankruptcy.

Related:

• Archive: “Intelligencer”
• Table of Contents: October 10, 2005 issue of New York | Subscribe!